As You Are

I’m heavy in my healing girl era at the moment. For those who don’t know, I recently got out of a four-year long relationship and for a while, I was gravy. Even though I was sad, I was confident it was the decision that God was calling us to make, and I had peace with that. 

But recently??? While there is still peace, I’m realizing that bubbling beneath the surface has been a lot of hurt, pain, frustration, confusion, anger, and deep grief. Not just at the situation, but with God. And in full transparency, I’ve never really felt this way towards God before. It sounds odd to say, but I’ve always been really confident in Him. I’ve always had complete and utter trust and confidence in His word and His promises, and up until this point in my life, I’ve never really questioned Him. 

Maybe you can relate, and maybe you can’t. But it’s where I’m at, and frankly, it’s uncharted territory for me. So…what do I do with all that I’m feeling? That’s the big question. I’m no expert, but this is what I’ve got (all very much in progress): 

I sit before God and I allow myself to feel what I’m feeling. 

This sounds simple, but it’s really not, at least not for me. I’m so used to sitting before God and praising Him and recalling His goodness and His faithfulness, and while those are good things, it hasn’t allowed me space to fully acknowledge all that I’m feeling. 

No, feelings aren’t fact, but they are valid. And I’m learning my feelings have to be felt and acknowledged if I want to move past them. So…I’m learning to be honest with Him. Like, really honest:

“God, I’m mad at You right now.”

“God, I feel like You’ve abandoned me.” 

“Lord, I felt like I heard Your voice. Do I really know Your voice?”

“God, how am I ever supposed to trust You or myself again?”

That’s just a peek into some of the things I say to Him. And honestly, it feels really vulnerable to share that those are things I’ve been saying to God lately, because it feels really taboo. But guess what? He already knows I’m thinking it anyway, He’s just waiting for me to bring it to Him. Why? Because God can’t move in an area that I won’t submit to Him. 

So I’ve been submitting my feelings to Him daily. It’s nothing fancy. I just sit on my bed, set a timer for 5 minutes, and I talk to Him. Sometimes, I feel like I have nothing to say when I start the timer, but not shockingly, within a few minutes I have a lot to say and the tears begin to flow. Sometimes, the 5 minute timer is enough. Sometimes, I need 10 minutes, 20 minutes, or even longer. There’s no need to rush. He’s not in a hurry. And when I’m done, I pause. I rest. I wait. 

I’d love to say that every day the Lord speaks something to me afterwards, but He doesn’t. He does, however, offer me His peace. I often feel like my heart is being held, and I feel the spaces of doubt and confusion being healed by the truths of who He is: 

Loving

Faithful

Trustworthy

Patient

Merciful

A Healer

My Father

Satisfier

Joy

And so much more.

I’m learning that it’s okay to doubt and question. That these feelings don’t mean that I’m faithless. I think that has been my biggest fear—that God, and others, would view me as faithless for feeling the way that I feel right now. Turns out, it’s quite the opposite—He’s building my faith in new ways. In deeper, more intimate ways. I feel like I’m living out Psalm 51:10-12 (NIV):

“Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”

He’s purifying my heart and renewing my spirit. His presence is near and His Holy Spirit still resides in me. There is still joy to be found. His spirit within me will sustain me. This is true for me and it’s true for you. 

So I guess my question is: will you give Him 5 minutes of complete honesty? I dare you.